And She Writes too

The baby of the family, the outcast, the black sheep, and the family embarrassment created a wedge between us and her. For over twenty years she decided that drugs and alcohol were more important than her family. For twenty years, we tried to remain a family in spite of and because of her.

When asked, I tell people that I have two sisters and no brothers, only to remember later that I really have three sisters. I don't intentionally leave off my youngest sister's name when talking about my family; it's just that she has removed herself so far away from our family that I forget she exists.

I choose not to talk about my little sister because I am embarrassed, not because she embarrasses me but because somehow I have failed as an older sister. As an older sister, I should have protected her from the horrors of drugs and alcohol.

Forgetting that I have a little sister is not easy, it breaks my heart. It's difficult on my mom and it was difficult on my dad. My dad died and my little sister was too high on drugs to attend his funeral. Being angry at my little sister is easy and painful.

We tried rehab, we tried intervention, we tried tough love, we tried showering her with love; nothing worked. She continues to push us away while she pushes cocaine up her nose. Being raised in a close-knit, family-oriented environment, you would think she would run to us when she had problems instead of the drugs.

As a Christian, I have opened my heart to still care for my little sister as she is but I find it difficult to love her. Her life, the life she has chosen to live, is so far from the life I live and the life I dream for her. It's hard watching her fall in the depths of despair so I choose to look away.

However, just because I chose to look away doesn't mean that I don't pray for her. Praying for her gives me a sense of comfort. Praying for her gives me hope that maybe someday my little sister will blend with our family again. Praying for my sister means that there is hope that someday I may have my little sister back.

The power the drugs and alcohol have over my little sister is so unfair. How can we compete with something that makes her feel the way the drugs make her feel, whatever feeling that might be? My little sister should not be a stranger to me; she should be my best friend.